I cannot comment on "Carried" (because there is no comment box), so I'll comment here:
Quick spelling/grammar errors:
Paragraph 1: crowd, not crowed.
Paragraph 2: kind of, not kind-of; breathes, not breaths.
Paragraph 4: wont to do, not want to do ("wont" is an archaic word that is nowadays only used in the phrase "wont to do", meaning "as was his/her/its habit").
Paragraph 8: becomes, not became, because the first verb of this sentence is present tense, it flows better if this verb is too.
Paragraph 13: You used "high-ground" and "high ground" in the same paragraph. I'm not sure if there is supposed to be a dash, but pick one and be consistent. That way if it's wrong, at least it's consistently wrong :p
Paragraph 6 after the break: Add a period to the end of the paragraph.
Ok, now those issues are out of the way. As for the content, umm... cute? I dunno, mostly just a quick jump into the mind of the character. I would have liked to have seen a bigger climax (well, with a bigger buildup). I would like to see the character and his other self have a major conflict, with one side being the clear victor (whichever side that may be is up to you). Perhaps his other self is a bit like a devil on his shoulder, trying to get him to do things which he would normally consider immoral? Perhaps have a lengthier plot, where the main character goes out and does things, and his head is constantly overflowing with these images?
Before I forget, I also have comments for your site design, too:
Gray isn't a bad background color when you are reading content (in fact it was perfectly pleasant), but as an immediate reaction on the homepage, it was a turnoff. Try to go for a warmer color that still achieves the same effect when reading. Gray, on the surface, suggests bland and boring, and is nearly as bad as plain white. Naturally, to sell yourself, you want to use a tone that represents your style of writing, if that is possible. I know you as a performance poet, so if you create a tone that suggests the cozy atmosphere of a reading (do you think your poetry should be read with coffee or wine?), you can capture your audience quickly, and let them know what your writing is about, just from the color scheme. Always beware, however, that it must give a good first impression, but it must also be readable.
I cannot comment on "Carried" (because there is no comment box), so I'll comment here:
ReplyDeleteQuick spelling/grammar errors:
Paragraph 1: crowd, not crowed.
Paragraph 2: kind of, not kind-of; breathes, not breaths.
Paragraph 4: wont to do, not want to do ("wont" is an archaic word that is nowadays only used in the phrase "wont to do", meaning "as was his/her/its habit").
Paragraph 8: becomes, not became, because the first verb of this sentence is present tense, it flows better if this verb is too.
Paragraph 13: You used "high-ground" and "high ground" in the same paragraph. I'm not sure if there is supposed to be a dash, but pick one and be consistent. That way if it's wrong, at least it's consistently wrong :p
Paragraph 6 after the break: Add a period to the end of the paragraph.
Ok, now those issues are out of the way. As for the content, umm... cute? I dunno, mostly just a quick jump into the mind of the character. I would have liked to have seen a bigger climax (well, with a bigger buildup). I would like to see the character and his other self have a major conflict, with one side being the clear victor (whichever side that may be is up to you). Perhaps his other self is a bit like a devil on his shoulder, trying to get him to do things which he would normally consider immoral? Perhaps have a lengthier plot, where the main character goes out and does things, and his head is constantly overflowing with these images?
In short, I'd like this to be a longer piece.
Before I forget, I also have comments for your site design, too:
ReplyDeleteGray isn't a bad background color when you are reading content (in fact it was perfectly pleasant), but as an immediate reaction on the homepage, it was a turnoff. Try to go for a warmer color that still achieves the same effect when reading. Gray, on the surface, suggests bland and boring, and is nearly as bad as plain white. Naturally, to sell yourself, you want to use a tone that represents your style of writing, if that is possible. I know you as a performance poet, so if you create a tone that suggests the cozy atmosphere of a reading (do you think your poetry should be read with coffee or wine?), you can capture your audience quickly, and let them know what your writing is about, just from the color scheme. Always beware, however, that it must give a good first impression, but it must also be readable.
What would I do without you, Craig?
ReplyDeleteHopefully soon I'll be able to put video of me performing on the site, which will really give it a purpose.